Journal entry from 12th grade. Funny to look back.

I’m always alone and thats okay. Im  more  comfortable being  isolated  than being social. But, I still  find  myself getting  lonely. Beside  my mother when I need something and  my  teachers in class,  I don’t talk. When I’m around people I feel  like I shouldn’t be. Its like an unfinished puzzle and  I’m the  last  piece. I fit in the  missing space, but I’m  a transparent piece. The  final  picture looks incorrect  because even though I’m the right shape, I’m the  wrong image. It would  look  better without me, so  don’t put  me in. I have been trying to figure out where I belong. It  is a very  unsettling to know that  you  are  capable  of any  thing you  want, but unable to  figure  out what  you  want. I know all  this confusion is only wasting time, but  I still can’t put thoughts into action. I want  to  have  people that  can  fight off the  loneliness, but  I’m unable to start and  maintain connections with people. I know a big  part  of  my alienation  stems from myself. My unique interests, weird sense of humour and  high expectations.  I like my  solitude too much. I do prefer to be alone, but I wish I had a reason  for my cell phone and facebook.

 I like  my  life. I like my  movies, books, music and clothes. I think  I read so  much  because fictional characters feel more relatable to me than kids my age. I can’t  pretend that I see beauty, love and  passion in world that  was so  blindly created for me. I can’t pretend to  believe in God either. If  it was possible for me  to believe in God, I would. I wish I could. It  would be an  easy  fix for some  many  things I struggle with. Believing in God would answer a lot of question and eliminate fears. I can’t, so I don’t.  I need to  create a world of my own.  You can come along,  if I  appeal  to you. I expect so much out of myself. My  standards are  pretty  high. I also expect every  one to push  themselves to be better. I can’t accept that creative, intellectual and emotional pursuits have taken a backseat. Every one is constantly busy consuming as much  as  possible in a desperate attempt  to  survive that they don’t realize they are not even living any  more. I’m not some holier than thou person. I know I don’t  have the answers. I just do my  best to  be okay. If I choose to fit in a place in “society” with my “peers”, I could. But, I don’t feel right doing the  things “normal” kids do. The universe is huge. That  fact is humbling. I want someone  to notice that will notice me back in  a world that filled so much  white noise.

 It will  be  okay, if  I end  up  alone. There are  benefits of being alone. I can read under a tree and go off to some magically place.  Drink coffee and  write fictional stories about strangers in the  cafe. Dance to my ipod, while waiting for the bus. When loneliness gets to be painful, I can remember long lonely  summer  nights of  bike riding. Riding through red lights at the  bottom of steep hills because there was no one else around. A time when being lonely didn’t hurt at all.


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