I’m always alone and thats okay. Im more comfortable being isolated than being social. But, I still find myself getting lonely. Beside my mother when I need something and my teachers in class, I don’t talk. When I’m around people I feel like I shouldn’t be. Its like an unfinished puzzle and I’m the last piece. I fit in the missing space, but I’m a transparent piece. The final picture looks incorrect because even though I’m the right shape, I’m the wrong image. It would look better without me, so don’t put me in. I have been trying to figure out where I belong. It is a very unsettling to know that you are capable of any thing you want, but unable to figure out what you want. I know all this confusion is only wasting time, but I still can’t put thoughts into action. I want to have people that can fight off the loneliness, but I’m unable to start and maintain connections with people. I know a big part of my alienation stems from myself. My unique interests, weird sense of humour and high expectations. I like my solitude too much. I do prefer to be alone, but I wish I had a reason for my cell phone and facebook.
I like my life. I like my movies, books, music and clothes. I think I read so much because fictional characters feel more relatable to me than kids my age. I can’t pretend that I see beauty, love and passion in world that was so blindly created for me. I can’t pretend to believe in God either. If it was possible for me to believe in God, I would. I wish I could. It would be an easy fix for some many things I struggle with. Believing in God would answer a lot of question and eliminate fears. I can’t, so I don’t. I need to create a world of my own. You can come along, if I appeal to you. I expect so much out of myself. My standards are pretty high. I also expect every one to push themselves to be better. I can’t accept that creative, intellectual and emotional pursuits have taken a backseat. Every one is constantly busy consuming as much as possible in a desperate attempt to survive that they don’t realize they are not even living any more. I’m not some holier than thou person. I know I don’t have the answers. I just do my best to be okay. If I choose to fit in a place in “society” with my “peers”, I could. But, I don’t feel right doing the things “normal” kids do. The universe is huge. That fact is humbling. I want someone to notice that will notice me back in a world that filled so much white noise.
It will be okay, if I end up alone. There are benefits of being alone. I can read under a tree and go off to some magically place. Drink coffee and write fictional stories about strangers in the cafe. Dance to my ipod, while waiting for the bus. When loneliness gets to be painful, I can remember long lonely summer nights of bike riding. Riding through red lights at the bottom of steep hills because there was no one else around. A time when being lonely didn’t hurt at all.