I can’t keep dating guys cause they are nice to me. There has to be more.
I date guys I don’t really want and that I have nothing in common with because they think I’m perfect. I tolerate what they like cause they believe I’m awesome ,its a nice feeling, and I like being thought of as perfect. Well, I do in the beginning. Then it gets to be too much pressure to stay on a pedal stool that I don’t belong on. I will never see what others see. The more I’m told how great I am, the more I freak out.
So I’m desperately hanging on to a guy I’m never gonna lose and didn’t want in the first place. But still, there I am hating myself for believing that i’m not living up to this false image of me that my boy friend made up. Its insane and it makes me feel worse about myself a little more each time I do it.
I drive myself crazy and a nice guy gets hurt all because I’m not secure enough to set my standards higher and go after what I really want. I will stay with a boy friend for like a year in hopes that I will fall in love with him any ways. I trick myself into thinking Im in love when I’m not. But, I eventually get so bored that break up with in a horrible way. I pretend to be happy until I can’t bottle it up any more and it explodes. I crush him cause I’m not mature even to say, ” I’m sorry, but I got into this for the wrong reasons and its best to end it now, but I would to remain friends.” In stead, I have to have a fight that concludes with a declaration of hate on both sides and never see them again. I’m a horrible child.
Then, I cry for months on end because I feel horrible for hurting him. I miss him. I regret breaking up because I’m afraid I will never be in a relationship again. I feel stupid because I kinda knew this would happen before it even started, but I went against my gut because I was lonely and insecure.
Yeah, I guess I’m one of those crazy girls that would call you a million time after I break up with you, so we will get back together and have make up sex for a week. Then, I remember why I hated you some much and dump you again. So, Im gonna be alone for a long time. I need to learn to stop dating guys just because they are super nice to me. I need to get what I want.
But most importantly, I need to truly understand that I don’t need to fall in love with a man just because he does not beat or rape me. I need to whole heartedly believe that being a good man isn’t as rare as it seems. There are plenty of men that won’t do horrible things to me. I need to reject the idea that there is only one guy on the planet for me and if i don’t find him I will end up battered and heartbroken.
Yeah, alone for a very long time is probably my best bet.