Month: June 2015

My heart keeps bending. When will it break?

After almost 8 years, the longest and most rewarding relationship I’ve ever had may be coming to an end. It has honestly been the most fulfilling thing in my life, but its slowly decaying over the last 2 years. I’m trying really hard to intellectualize the entire situation, but it still fucking hurts. How do I move on when I know its not caused by a lack of love, but a disconnect of lifestyle needs?

There is so much of my life that wouldn’t be possible without him. We edit each other’s writing. We make music and films together. We go on trips and take photographs together. I know that our creative journey together is not over, but I think our romantic journey is over. How do I end one without compromising the other? How am I supposed to suppress my love for this man, but remain the same level of intimacy necessary to keep creating great work with him? How am I going to move on and meet someone else if he still is the most important person in my life? What if the reconstruction of our relationship changes the work? What if we become uninspired? I know I want him in my life for its remainder. But how is that possible?

I owe this man a lot. He was my only friend for a very long time. We went through drug abuse, self-injury, depression, suicide, family deaths, pregnancy scares, identity crisis, and sexual shame. We got through it because we had each other. I wouldn’t know who I am as an artist if it wasn’t for his encouragement. I wouldn’t be as confident without his faith in me. I wouldn’t know how to be unashamed about my queerness. How the hell am I going to meet someone who celebrates my queerness like he does? Who else will love my filthiness? I love the taste of his cum. I love fucking in nature & in public. I love his drag queen & how he loves my drag king. I love the way he finds my body & mind equally sexy. I love that we can go to the bathroom in front of each other, ingest each other’s bodily fluids, pick each other’s noses, and pick bugs out of our hair. I love that we can try every taboo without shame. I don’t think I will find any one that understands me this well again. He gives me the security I need to be confident about being me. He gives me an unrestricted environment to be my authentic self. I wish he could give me what I need and so does he. We both know he can’t and it kills us.

I know some people never meet any one that they connect with so deeply and I should be grateful. I am. I’ve never dreamed any one would love me at all. I had love for 8 years in an emotionally, creatively, intellectually, spiritually, and sexually fulfilling relationship with a partner that respects me as an equal. How many people can say that?

I know I need to accept that its over, and have the courage to end it on good terms, but I can’t. It hurts too much to let go. I’m clinging to who I thought was going to be my partner through out life. I’m not ready to turn him into an ambiguous loss. I know the parameters of our relationship and his commitment issue changing is a dream, but it’s my dream. I’m not ready to give it up just yet.

Maybe we can still work this out.

My shame weighs more than yours.

My shame weighs more than yours. It’s the reason I keep turning up at your door. But, I no longer need you to fuck me as hard as I hate myself. Make love to me like I’m better than the horrible things I’ve done. Like the deaths I’ve profited from isn’t me. Like I’m forgiven for stealing change from junkies’ O.D jeans. Forgiven for turning emergencies into tragedies. Make me feel like I’m always as beautiful as I am asleep. I know I’m worthy of this from all the rooftops I’ve stood on without jumping.

I’m your revolving door.

I’m just turned off. I should just move on. Can’t believe you act like this. Saying what I should never felt so good. Didn’t know I could walk away like this. Do you think I’m selfish, proving I can live far away from you? I can’t handle the distance that stands between us. We promised we were made for each other, but we ended up living in the different worlds. You were so good to me before, but I feel like you hate me. You use my love like a revolving door. You never seem sure. It’s just not enough any more. I gave you the world without a return. It was always on your terms and now I’m just hurt. But I’ll come crawling back to you, begging outside your door. I will forget all the times I’ve cried on my bedroom floor. I always feel more than you want me too. I try to pull you up, but you push me down. There’s a place in my heart that beats for only you so how did you get so confused about loving me?