Uncategorized

Departed

You are memories all  almost eroded. we were indivisible. Now you are only a ghost  whom I forgot to get rid of their remains. It breaks my heart that we moved on and that I’ve left you alone. We were completely inseparable, but we both comprehend that our life is over. I have doubts that its what either of us truly wanted. Still can’t believe I left you. You’ve always understood, better than I, that I’m just a man like you. Those lovers were flesh and blood, and then gone. We were so helplessly devoted. It breaks my heart that my carelessness forced your departure.

disassociate myself from my body

I have a difficult time accepting compliments about my appearance. Its not a body image issue in terms of beauty social construction. I like to disassociate myself from my body. The majority of my sexual interactions have been nonconsensual and it has made me accept that I will probably be in that situation again at some point of my life. I don’t consider my body as part of myself because I need some kind of self defense mechanism. Distance myself from things that have happened in my life by convincing myself that they have only happened to my body and not me. I know its not healthy thought pattern, but its the only thing that works. Im still fighting for peace. I don’t know if that makes any sense to any one.

My job makes me hate myself

I lost it on a costumer last night after she pitched a fit about her $12.98 pants not being on sale and not being able to use a coupon. After nicely repeatedly saying that I was sorry and couldn’t do it, while she cursed me out, I lost it. I said something like this ( i was too pissed to remember every thing I said).

“Thats it. Im done with you. You’re a fucking bitch. Last week I sold over $16k of shit and I made $180, which is about 1% of what I sold. Thats fucking disgusting and Im not even at the bottom of the commodity chain. The 10 year old in Bangladesh that made these pants make on average $1 an hour and you are bitching about a $12 pant. Go fuck yourself.”

Macys made over 29 billion dollars last year and the people that make the clothing make an estimate of $4,000 a year. Thats fucked. When you refuse to buy something at full price, you don’t hurt Macy’s; you cause lay offs & pay cuts to people that produce, traffic, and sell the products.

That is why I don’t give a shit that costumers are pissed that items are not on sale or can’t use a coupon. You are buying something you don’t need and you are getting it very cheap, but not as cheap as you want it.
Why can’t you stop to think why you are really mad? The problem isn’t with me, it isn’t with you, its not even the company’s coupon/ sale policy. The problem is the insatiable and inane life style of mass consumption in order to demonstrate high value of our identity expression in attempt to fill voids within our emotional and spiritual well being. Our life style constructed by capitalism, with help from mainstream media, is destroying ourselves and the planet.

My job makes me want to kill myself and Im working 10 hours today (rant over).

Nothing behind it

I don’t mean to be cruel or abandon, but I have been here too many times before. Don’t tell me I said forever cause we both know I’m not that foolish. I’m not the one with two tatted sleeves looking for permanence. I can’t listen to this stupid talk. Not when there’s nothing behind it; those three stupid words with nothing behind it. Don’t tell me, “We’re in this together.” He had mistaken my hiatus as the same as his surrender. I could never be happy being someone’s reason for living or dying. I kiss his forehead to say goodbye. I can feel his heads collapsing from the weight of juggling the dichotomy of the selflessness of living and the selfishness of suicide. His fists, his tears, his pitiful apologies have been preparing me to leave over these last few years. Those three stupid words are nothing. His eyes are empty. He bores me. I needed to relive every minute and keep the demons away. I needed to relive every minute, and avoid all the mistakes. But I can’t. All I could do is say, “I like you. I like you? I liked you. I liked you?” I handed back his gun, turned my back and put my hands over my ears, as he put the barrel in his mouth. This scene was too familiar, our weekend ritual, but I was surprised that he actually went through with it this time. I called 9ll, lit a cigarette, and walked. He probably thought I was going to follow. He believed in those three stupid words to the end. But there wasn’t any thing behind it. You can’t love someone who becomes a chore.

……. Just wanted it to stop.

You won’t be one of those people.

Catastrophe is just around the corner.

Since I was a child my deepest wish was to have all my wishes gratified.

But sometimes I’m not at all sure what those wishes are that I hope to have gratified.

Nobody can expect his or her wishes to be gratified.

It is a catastrophe to give up on such dreams.

Some people figure out ways to turn unhappiness to their advantage. You won’t be one of those people.

People are alone in small apartments, surrounded by personal items.

Sometimes, pictures on the wall, but they are alone

kid sister doll

I have a pattern of meeting men that are amazing, who happen to think I’m amazing. The relationship turns romantic, then sexual. It stays that way for a few months. But then he starts introducing me to his friends as his sister.

its creepy as hell. Seriously freaks me, so I stop having sex with him, which makes him pissed off until he eventually disappears. Why does this keep happening to me? Why do guys think of me as a kid sister doll? its so creepy. #can’t

Nerdy Men make the best boyfriends (most times)

I love nerdy guys. Besides being into cool shit, nerd makes great boyfriends. They are sweet, attentive, sensitive, loving, fun, supportive, and smart. They will do amazingly cute things for you, and it will be sincere. They don’t want you to pretend to be dumb. You won’t feel pressure to live up to unrealistic ideals. My favorite part is that they don’t make you feel ashamed for loving the stuff that you love, unlike non-nerd boys that are embarrassed to be seen with you when rave about D&D in public. I can’t date non-nerdy guys cause they make me feel like I should dislike myself.

But ladies, you need to understand that boys are just as insecure as we are. Plus with nerdy guys its a little more so because they were probable bullied and made to feel like outcast growing up. It’s hard to get over, but most people do in time. So please be understanding and patient.

But other times they don’t get over it. No matter what you do, so you will have to get out of that relationship. It will be heart breaking, but you deserve better.

I had a relationship with a really insecure guy. No matter how I expressed my love for him could believe that I loved him. We dated on and off from a very long time. I still love him and probably always will but I had to face the fact that even though he said he was in love with me, he wasn’t.

He would reject compliments and start fights about how he loves me but I don’t love him cause he is unlovable. He would always talk poorly about himself and nothing I could do or say would help him.

After a while, it got exhausting and depressing so I would break up with him. The break up would reinforce his beliefs about himself. I still loved him so I would give him another chance. He promised he would change, He wouldn’t and this repeated for a few months.

Eventually, I ended the cycle because I deserve to be with someone who trusts me and has confidence in our relationship. I shouldn’t have my feelings disrespected by the person I love. That isn’t love. I feel guilty some times for giving up on the relationship cause I care for him and I don’t want to reinforce his self-hate. But I don’t deserve the pain of being with some one who doesn’t respect my feeling or even really care about be.

I want a nerdy guy that is as equally excited by me as they are by the awesome stuff I like. They should be able to love and respect themselves, so they love and respect other people.

I know I will find my perfect nerd. It just taking more time than I hoped it would.

Reasons you should get that art degree you want

Many people argue that you should waste your money on art degree because you   don’t need to go to college to develop your craft. That is a very good point because it’s very expensive. But there are other things to consider.

1) Art school is a safe place to fail and experiment with craft. It is a 4-year window to listen to your artist soul to find the best avenue of expression. You are free to fail without risking your career because you have not birthed it yet. It is the time where any thing is possible even if you suck at first (most people suck at first don’t worry about it).

2) Art degree will give you the chance to birth that fickle baby who is confidence in your artistic identity and your abilities.

You will have 4 years to develop in your mind, body, and spirit. You will listen to your artist soul, you will ask yourself the important questions, and you have let it make you cry for hours until you laugh from your gut. You know yourself better now. You have nurtured your craft so well that it can return the favor and take care of you.

3) It will give you time to figure out how to turn your artist soul into a brand and how to market it. Yeah, I know money isn’t the point. But, the goal is to find a way to make enough to support yourself within your craft so you don’t waste your energy on other jobs.

4) Networking with other artists and learning from other artists. You will be surrounded by other artists that can show you new things and will collaborate with you. Your professors will be artists that know other local artists and venues that will help you grow as an artist.

5) Being an artist can be desperate and some days your craft will be all you have. You have to do it because you believe that what you are expressing is more important than yourself. If you make it about you instead of the story or feeling, you will damage your soul and lose your connection to your work. Art school can show you if you have it in you or not.

I think of you and I can’t get any sleep

Its midnight and I’ve finished my drink. It burns and I start exploding. Mixing candy with kerosene.

I think of you and I cant get no sleep.

Its 2am

I keep forgetting if I smoked all my cigarettes. Coughing up drugs and longing for hugs.

I try to sleep, wanting to trade my time for a pleasant dream. You’re all I see. But I’m up again. The room starts to spin. Ex-boyfriends kissing new girl friends.

I think of you and cant get no sleep.

It 4am and the rain is here, pouring down like a bottle of beer. Drunk slutty girls with plastic teats.

I think of you and I can’t no sleep.

I’m shaking. Feel like this town is caging me, whispered lies sound like screams.

Its 5am and now I’m pissed, wanting to call the one I miss. It kills us when we want to live.

Now its 7am and I start to fade, I wonder when you’ll come back to me.

I think of you and I can’t get any sleep.

Books, films & music of spring 2014

Here is a list of books, films & music that I’ve personally been enjoying over the last 3 months.

Books

Some Velvet Morning by Neil LaBute
Are Prison Obsolete? By Angela Davis
The Prince by Machiavelli
No one belongs here more than you by Miranda July
The Subterraneans by Kerouac
Feeding Back: Conversations with Alternative Guitarists from Proto-Punk to Post-Rock by David Todd
The Coral Sea by Patti Smith

Films
The Grand Budapest Hotel
The lovers
Love on the run
Breathless
Only Lovers Left Alive
Un Femme Marlee
A Nos Amours
Le Jour Se Leve
Stranger Than Fiction
Diary of a Chamber Maid
Vivre Sa Vie

Bands/ Musical Artists
David Lynch
Sleep Party People
Lucy Hale
The Hold Steady
Phantogram
Superhumanoids
78Violet