After almost 8 years, the longest and most rewarding relationship I’ve ever had may be coming to an end. It has honestly been the most fulfilling thing in my life, but its slowly decaying over the last 2 years. I’m trying really hard to intellectualize the entire situation, but it still fucking hurts. How do I move on when I know its not caused by a lack of love, but a disconnect of lifestyle needs?
There is so much of my life that wouldn’t be possible without him. We edit each other’s writing. We make music and films together. We go on trips and take photographs together. I know that our creative journey together is not over, but I think our romantic journey is over. How do I end one without compromising the other? How am I supposed to suppress my love for this man, but remain the same level of intimacy necessary to keep creating great work with him? How am I going to move on and meet someone else if he still is the most important person in my life? What if the reconstruction of our relationship changes the work? What if we become uninspired? I know I want him in my life for its remainder. But how is that possible?
I owe this man a lot. He was my only friend for a very long time. We went through drug abuse, self-injury, depression, suicide, family deaths, pregnancy scares, identity crisis, and sexual shame. We got through it because we had each other. I wouldn’t know who I am as an artist if it wasn’t for his encouragement. I wouldn’t be as confident without his faith in me. I wouldn’t know how to be unashamed about my queerness. How the hell am I going to meet someone who celebrates my queerness like he does? Who else will love my filthiness? I love the taste of his cum. I love fucking in nature & in public. I love his drag queen & how he loves my drag king. I love the way he finds my body & mind equally sexy. I love that we can go to the bathroom in front of each other, ingest each other’s bodily fluids, pick each other’s noses, and pick bugs out of our hair. I love that we can try every taboo without shame. I don’t think I will find any one that understands me this well again. He gives me the security I need to be confident about being me. He gives me an unrestricted environment to be my authentic self. I wish he could give me what I need and so does he. We both know he can’t and it kills us.
I know some people never meet any one that they connect with so deeply and I should be grateful. I am. I’ve never dreamed any one would love me at all. I had love for 8 years in an emotionally, creatively, intellectually, spiritually, and sexually fulfilling relationship with a partner that respects me as an equal. How many people can say that?
I know I need to accept that its over, and have the courage to end it on good terms, but I can’t. It hurts too much to let go. I’m clinging to who I thought was going to be my partner through out life. I’m not ready to turn him into an ambiguous loss. I know the parameters of our relationship and his commitment issue changing is a dream, but it’s my dream. I’m not ready to give it up just yet.
Maybe we can still work this out.