poem

Dear Jeff, (all the “Jeffs” of the world)

Dear Jeff, (all the “Jeffs” of the world)

 

Why won’t you let me love you?

Why won’t you come back to me?

Don’t you understand that someone

wonderful is waiting for you?

I can’t believe that you are

not coming back  For me.

 

I can’t believe I’m supposed to

stop waiting. Stop looking.

Frantically searching parks, trains and missions

For your face.

Your green eyes brighten my dreams.

The track marks on your arms

Haunt my nightmares.

Why am I not good enough?

Did you leave me for your next fix?

 

All this time I’ve spent waiting on our bench.

Watching your favorite movie.

Reading books you stole for me.

Waiting and waiting.

Time has almost made me forget how

Your hand fits in mine.

I’ve been waiting so long.

Do you know how this feels?

Are you on some bench waiting,

For someone else?

Are you returning to someone else,

Who has been waiting for you,

Longer than I?

 

I remember how you repeatedly referred to me,

As obviously beautiful and drop dead gorgeous.

Do you remember?

Did you meant it?

Obviously Not.

Or maybe you dropped dead.

 

You told me that you would

Meet me by the fountain

In two hours.

Two hours feels like eternity.

Do I have to wait forever?

 

I don’t want to be your wife,

Or even your girlfriend.

I just want to know

When I’m going to see you again.

I need to know you are okay.

 

You had written, “forgive me” on your arm,

As a disclaimer for

The ones that love you.

I ignored the warning.

I wish I had add an “N”

On the end of “forgive.”

So you know,

You can always come back to me.

 

No need to apologize.

It’s already done,

With your breath on

The back of my neck

And the nibble on my ear.

Every time I gave you a compliment,

You denied it.

But, gave me many in return.

You claimed to not be good

Enough for me.

But, that’s a lie.

How do you not see the

Infinite value within you?

 

I wish I could tell you that

I love you with all my heart.

Even at your worst, 

You are fucking incredible.

Both will never change.

Your beauty is never failing,

Never fleeting.

 

Your embrace felt like home.

It brought me to a place

I have not been in years

And may never go again.

You made me feel as if

My aunt was reading to me

Until I feel asleep.

Like my dad brought me

Apple juice in my favorite bubble cup,

In the middle of the night.

Just because his baby girl,

his  little princess

yelled, “I’m thirsty.”

 

We made me a new home

And then you burned it to the ground.

Without notice.

You made me feel loved.

Love like when a mother

Holds her new born for the first time.

She tells it that it’s

“Beautiful and perfect.

That’s she would do any thing

And every thing to protect it.”

The newborn knows that this is true,

Even though it doesn’t

Know any thing else.

It knows love.

 

Looking at  the ashes of 

my safe house, I think

Didn’t any one ever tell you,

“Don’t play with matches”?

 

How am I supposed to let this go?

Just let  it go.

Let it be.

C’est la vie.

Leave it alone.

Get over  it.

Suck it up.

Keep moving.

Move  on.

Let it pass.

 Forget  it.

Grow a pair.

Get a grip.

Stop crying.

Move forward.

Focus on other things.

I can’t  let  this go.

 

You’ll never know how much,

I adore you.

I can’t make love to

A ghost who hates himself,

Or a memory that wants

To be erased.

 

If I knew what I know now,

I would have never left.

You said, “There will be plenty of time

For us. Go get some sleep.

I will be waiting for you.”

So I can’t believe I’m supposed to

Stop looking, stop waiting.

I can’t believe you are

Not coming back for me.

But I know,

You’re not coming for me.

 

 If  I knew that  the last kiss

Was in fact our last  kiss,

I would of made it count.

I would had  made sure,

You knew all of this,

before the separation of our lips.

If God

If God made us in his image then the following is true about him.

When he was 5 years old he learned to ride a bike and it felt like flying.

When he was 10 years old he had his first kiss.

when he was 15, he seriously considered suicide.

when he was 20, he thought he knew every thing.

At 25, he realized he does not know shit.

when he was 30, he swore to do every thing he could to protect his children.

At 40, he was terrified he couldn’t fulfill that promise.

At 50, he regretted being ungrateful child and not know his parents better.

When he was 60, he realized that he has always had every thing he ever wanted.

At 80, he knew with confidence that even at his worst he is fucking incredible and wishes he knew that sooner.