relationships

My heart keeps bending. When will it break?

After almost 8 years, the longest and most rewarding relationship I’ve ever had may be coming to an end. It has honestly been the most fulfilling thing in my life, but its slowly decaying over the last 2 years. I’m trying really hard to intellectualize the entire situation, but it still fucking hurts. How do I move on when I know its not caused by a lack of love, but a disconnect of lifestyle needs?

There is so much of my life that wouldn’t be possible without him. We edit each other’s writing. We make music and films together. We go on trips and take photographs together. I know that our creative journey together is not over, but I think our romantic journey is over. How do I end one without compromising the other? How am I supposed to suppress my love for this man, but remain the same level of intimacy necessary to keep creating great work with him? How am I going to move on and meet someone else if he still is the most important person in my life? What if the reconstruction of our relationship changes the work? What if we become uninspired? I know I want him in my life for its remainder. But how is that possible?

I owe this man a lot. He was my only friend for a very long time. We went through drug abuse, self-injury, depression, suicide, family deaths, pregnancy scares, identity crisis, and sexual shame. We got through it because we had each other. I wouldn’t know who I am as an artist if it wasn’t for his encouragement. I wouldn’t be as confident without his faith in me. I wouldn’t know how to be unashamed about my queerness. How the hell am I going to meet someone who celebrates my queerness like he does? Who else will love my filthiness? I love the taste of his cum. I love fucking in nature & in public. I love his drag queen & how he loves my drag king. I love the way he finds my body & mind equally sexy. I love that we can go to the bathroom in front of each other, ingest each other’s bodily fluids, pick each other’s noses, and pick bugs out of our hair. I love that we can try every taboo without shame. I don’t think I will find any one that understands me this well again. He gives me the security I need to be confident about being me. He gives me an unrestricted environment to be my authentic self. I wish he could give me what I need and so does he. We both know he can’t and it kills us.

I know some people never meet any one that they connect with so deeply and I should be grateful. I am. I’ve never dreamed any one would love me at all. I had love for 8 years in an emotionally, creatively, intellectually, spiritually, and sexually fulfilling relationship with a partner that respects me as an equal. How many people can say that?

I know I need to accept that its over, and have the courage to end it on good terms, but I can’t. It hurts too much to let go. I’m clinging to who I thought was going to be my partner through out life. I’m not ready to turn him into an ambiguous loss. I know the parameters of our relationship and his commitment issue changing is a dream, but it’s my dream. I’m not ready to give it up just yet.

Maybe we can still work this out.

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I’m your revolving door.

I’m just turned off. I should just move on. Can’t believe you act like this. Saying what I should never felt so good. Didn’t know I could walk away like this. Do you think I’m selfish, proving I can live far away from you? I can’t handle the distance that stands between us. We promised we were made for each other, but we ended up living in the different worlds. You were so good to me before, but I feel like you hate me. You use my love like a revolving door. You never seem sure. It’s just not enough any more. I gave you the world without a return. It was always on your terms and now I’m just hurt. But I’ll come crawling back to you, begging outside your door. I will forget all the times I’ve cried on my bedroom floor. I always feel more than you want me too. I try to pull you up, but you push me down. There’s a place in my heart that beats for only you so how did you get so confused about loving me?

ultimatum

ultimatum

september 10th will be the two year mark and you want more. 

Move in or break up. 
I hate all or nothing requests.
What I want and what is possible are two different things.
So I guess, we break up.
For real this time.
we can get high off each other.
But, can’t remain good friends.
So we’ll make each other want to die,
to give each other strength to walk away & stay out of the way.
Maybe years down the line,
my name will come up in conversation
& you will have nice things to say.
And I’ll see walking down the street, I’ll smile & wave.
Until then I’ll hate you,
For holding my hips in your hands
and then pushing them away.

(Saying goodbye & growing up are two things we’ll never learn to forgive.
Not being able to let go & fall out of love are two things I’ll always regret.
Realism defeating romanticism will always break my heart.)

We are never ever ever getting back together…

I’m never going to date some one that makes me feel like I’m not important ever again. If you are telling some one that you love them, you should at least show them some respect. I can’t believe I stay with him for this long. But, I should probably thank him for breaking my heart because it taught me to respect myself and stand up for myself. I deserve much better than what I recently had and the reasons why I’m done with him will be red flags for the future.

1. He rarely answered my phone calls when he knew I only call when it’s important.

2. He would only tell me select things about himself and would act like I should be grateful that he is even talking me. It was rarely personal.

3. He would leave town for days without even saying a word to me about it.

4. He went days without talking to me texting me.

5. He couldn’t text me back for days, but was constantly talking to other girls on twitter.

6. He would ignore my phone calls when watching TV, but talked about what he was watching on twitter, so I would know he wasn’t busy, just ignoring me.

7. He would text me about being in a dangerous situation, but not give me any details then disappear for days, so I would worry.

8. Every time I would end the relationship he would tell me how much he loves me and that he would change, but didn’t.

9. I would ask him questions about himself and his life, like do you like this song? or how was work? And he would ignore it.

10. He never asked me about the things I care about.

11. Every time we hung out, he was ignoring me and busy on his phone. Then would be upset that I didn’t feel like having sex, after being ignored for hours.

12. He knew I’m insecure about my butt and thighs, but would talk about how he liked them because they are large. I explained that those comments make me feel fat and told him to stop. He didn’t.

13. He left me crying on my bedroom floor when I was upset because he dismissed my abuse history.

14. He left me when I was sick and had to have some one take me to the hospital.

15. He blew me off on the anniversary of a loved ones death because he had to watch the walking dead.

16. No matter how many times I told him how I felt or what I need, he refused to do it.

Basically, he never liked me but liked that I liked him. He was manipulative, apathetic, selfish, and uncaring. Most of all, he is dumb because he can’t understand why I don’t want him in my life any more. Its clear that he never cared, but he is going to play dumb and ask why I don’t want to see him any more? I’m not stupid. I can see that he only wants to play the victim so we will keep fighting and he’ll still be in control. Well, too bad for him. I’m going to give my time only to people that love and respect me. I can’t keep crying over people that would never shed a tear over me.

My dating flaw: settling for the nice guy

I can’t keep  dating  guys cause  they  are nice to  me. There has to  be more. 

 

I date guys I don’t really want and that  I have nothing  in common with  because they  think  I’m perfect. I tolerate what  they like cause they  believe  I’m awesome ,its a nice feeling, and I like being thought of as perfect.  Well,  I do in the  beginning. Then it  gets to  be too much pressure to  stay  on  a  pedal stool  that  I  don’t  belong  on. I will  never see what others see. The more I’m  told how great  I am,  the  more  I freak out.  

 

So  I’m desperately hanging  on  to  a guy  I’m never gonna lose and  didn’t want in  the first  place. But still, there I am hating myself for believing that  i’m not living up  to  this false image of me that my boy friend made up. Its insane and  it makes me feel  worse about myself a little more each  time I  do  it.  

 

I drive  myself crazy and  a nice guy  gets hurt all  because  I’m not secure enough to set my standards higher and go  after what  I  really want. I  will  stay  with  a boy friend for like a  year in  hopes that  I will    fall  in love  with  him  any  ways. I  trick myself into  thinking Im  in love  when I’m not. But, I  eventually get  so  bored that  break  up with in  a  horrible way. I pretend to  be happy until  I can’t bottle it up  any more and it explodes. I crush  him cause I’m not  mature even to  say, ” I’m sorry, but I got  into  this for the wrong reasons and its best to  end it now, but I  would to  remain friends.”  In stead, I have to have a fight that concludes with a declaration  of hate on both  sides and never  see them again. I’m a horrible child. 

 

Then, I cry for months on  end  because I feel  horrible for hurting him. I miss him. I regret  breaking  up because I’m  afraid I will never  be in a relationship  again. I feel  stupid because I kinda knew  this would happen before it even started, but I  went against  my gut because I  was lonely and insecure. 

 

Yeah, I guess I’m one  of those crazy  girls that  would call  you  a million time after I break  up  with  you, so  we will  get back together and  have make  up  sex for a week. Then, I remember  why  I hated you  some much  and  dump  you  again.  So, Im gonna be alone for a long time. I need to learn to stop  dating guys just  because  they  are  super  nice  to me. I need to get  what  I  want.

 

But most importantly, I need  to  truly  understand that I don’t need  to  fall  in love with a man just  because he does not  beat  or rape me.  I need to  whole heartedly believe that  being a good man isn’t  as rare as it seems. There are plenty of men that  won’t do  horrible things to  me. I need to  reject  the  idea that  there is only  one guy  on the  planet for me and if i  don’t  find him  I will  end up battered and  heartbroken.

 

Yeah,  alone for a very long time is probably my  best  bet.